Today's Daily DumbAss

A Compendium of Everything Wrong In The World

Space aliens walk among us, says Canada's former Minister of Defense

The microchip. The LED light. The Kevlar vest.  You may be under the impression that these are all inventions coaxed into existence by humans, but you're wrong.  We didn't build that - someone else did. To be more precise, the "someone else" in this case is actually "something else," since all of those achievements were given to us aliens.  

According to Paul Hellyer, Canada's former Minister of Defense, extra-terrestrials have been visiting the Earth for thousands of years and they have a habit of bestowing technology upon their human inferiors.

Hellyer appeared this weekend as a guest on Russia Today's "SophieCo" show, where he dropped the bombshell that we are not alone.  In fact he claims there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 known species of alien, many of which look as human as you and I. According to his obviously well-placed sources, "There are about 80 different species and some of them look just like us and they could walk down the street and you wouldn’t know if you walked past one.”

Hellyer says that of the 80 varieties, only four can be found on Earth. In particular, three species are common visitors: the ubiquitous "Grays," the "Nordic whites" and the "tall blondes." They've all been paying regular visits to North America.  In fact, the whites and blondes are working with the United States Air Force in Nevada. Their females, it seems, like to dress as nuns and go shopping in Las Vegas. This, of course, makes perfect sense.

The aliens hail from a wide array of homeworlds. Some are as close as Venus and Mars, while others are as distant as the Pleiades and Zeta Reticuli star systems. They travel to Earth via ships or a portal which is hidden in the Andes.

The big question is: why are they coming? Hellyer has the answer. They're here to help, and to share knowledge.   ...But they're very wary of humanity. It seems we haven't embraced the proper levels of socialism, environmentalism, and pacifism.

According to Hellyer, the aliens have organized into something they call a "federation." They have a sort of "directive" which states that they can't involve themselves in the affairs of less developed worlds unless they're invited to do so. If that sounds familiar, it's essentially the premise of Star Trek, which is clearly propaganda designed to acclimate humanity to our otherworldly brothers.

So shape up, Earth. Stop being a bunch of savages. If you get your act together, the aliens will give you all sorts of cool stuff. You won't believe what the new iPads will be able to do.