Today's Daily DumbAss

A Compendium of Everything Wrong In The World

Man forgets severed penis on his way to the hospital

A lonely Chinese bachelor had been getting the shaft from ladies, so he decided to cut his losses.

In a fit of madness, clothing-factory worker Yang Hu severed his own penis — and then bicycled to a local hospital in agonizing pain, according to The Daily Mail.

Unfortunately, Yang forgot to bring his severed unit and had to bike back to grab it.

But it was too late. Doctors said the appendage had been without blood for too long and could not be reattached, according to The Mail.

Hu, 26, said he worked long hours at a factory in the city of Jiaxing in Zhejiang province in eastern China. By slicing off his manhood, the bachelor believed he wouldn’t have to think anymore about his romantic frustrations.

And the All-Time Winner, "If You Like Your Plan"...

Man Hallucinating About Zombies Shot, Killed After Breaking into Home

A man who allegedly smashed through a sliding glass door and entered a home in Yorba Linda before being fatally shot by the homeowner was said to have been “hallucinating” and talking about “zombies,” authorities said Monday.

 

Britney Spears's Music Is Used to Fight Off Somali Pirates

 

According to merchant navy officer Rachel Owens, the “Work Bitch” singer’s oeuvre worked expertly (bitch) at keeping Somali pirates at bay while she was on duty on a supertanker off the east coast of Africa. “Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most,” Owens said.

Rude.

Most reliable: “Oops!...I Did it Again” and “…Baby One More Time.”

“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns,” Owens said. “As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”

As if there weren’t enough reasons to be wary of these Somali bandits, they clearly have horrible taste in music. How dare they insult our High Priestess of Perfection, Saint Spears? To quote a wise, prolific woman: “It’s Britney, bitch.”

Alas, this isn’t just a crackpot theory held by one Ms. Rachel Owens. Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, confirms that the strategy works like musical cannonballs, as the Somalis loathe Western culture. “Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid or try to overcome the music,” he says. “I’d imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention.” Heh.

Harry Reid: Except for Radical Republicans, Everyone Wants Higher Taxes

Pelosi On A Divine Mission From God To Save America: “I’m Here On A Mission – When My Work Is Done, That’s When I Will Leave”…

Nancy Pelosi isn’t going anywhere.

While many thought the California Democrat would step down as House minority leader after this Congress, Pelosi confidants now believe she will remain atop House leadership through 2016 and maybe even longer.

Pelosi herself won’t tip her hand about her plans. But she doesn’t appear to be contemplating retirement.

 

“I’m not here on a shift. I’m here on a mission — and when my work is done, that’s when I will leave,” Pelosi said in a recent interview with POLITICO.

Pelosi declared the main reason she chose to stay put the past two years is to see Obamacare, which she had a strong hand in crafting and pushing through Congress, implemented successfully. Pelosi, like other Democrats, has publicly complained about the disastrous online rollout of the program, but she remains convinced it will turn out well in the long run.

“I didn’t expect to be here this long, and I’m not trying to break any longevity records, that’s for sure,” Pelosi added. “One thing leads to another. You make a judgment as you go along.”

One Very Lucky Dumbass

Model Accused of Knifing Boyfriend After His Dog Ate Her Marijuana

DANIA BEACH, Florida - A South Florida model was arrested Sunday evening and charged with domestic battery after allegedly slashing her boyfriend with a pink pocket knife after his dog made a meal of her marijuana stash. 

According to the arrest affidavit, police were dispatched to the apartment of 26-year-old Shadae Scott (pictured above) responding to a domestic dispute. Upon arriving, officers reportedly saw her boyfriend, Kevin Wiggins, with two small knife cuts in the face and head area and one gash across his hand. The alleged victim told deputies that the fight broke out after his dog ate her weed. According to Wiggins, Scott kicked him out of the apartment but he could not find his personal items, claiming that she had hid all his stuff.  When he asked her about his computer, she allegedly began stabbing him. 

But there are always two sides to story and Scott's was very different according to the report. "Scott added that during one of the many times during the argument, Wiggins walked into the knife and cut himself,' wrote Sheriff's Deputy Laughten Hall on the arrest report.

Scott also claimed that the argument arose over dinner plans. As it escalated, she said Wiggins got physical and prevented her from leaving the apartment.  That's when she pulled out the pink pocket knife for protection. 

Scott did not say much during her court appearance other than she occasionally models and has resided in South Florida for four years.  

The Judge set her bond at $3,500, ordered her to stay at least 500 feet away from her boyfriend and prohibited her from possessing a knife. 

In other news, a new study revealed that dogs laugh. 

How Real Men Shoot Skeet!

House employee grabs mic, goes on rant about God, Freemasons

 

8 hrs ago

A longtime stenographer for the House was led away after approaching a microphone Wednesday night and launching into a by-all-accounts bizarre rant about God, the devil and Freemasons. The woman, identified as Dianne Riedy, made her way to the podium during the vote to end the government shutdown and began yelling, "Praise be to God, the Lord Jesus Christ." As Florida Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen banged the gavel and tried to restore order, Riedy continued. "The greatest deception here is this is not one nation under God," she said. "It never was. … The Constitution would not have been written by Freemasons. They go against God." Riedy was physically pulled away from the podium and has reportedly been sent for a mental evaluation