Today's Daily DumbAss

A Compendium of Everything Wrong In The World

Golden Globes - Drunk,or what?

Jennifer McCarthy Pulls Gun From Vagina After Dispute Over Space Aliens: Cops

The ex-wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Cormac McCarthy was arrested Saturday after allegedly whipping a gun out of her vagina and threatening her boyfriend.

 

Jennifer McCarthy, 48, got into an argument with her 53-year-old lover about space aliens, according to a probable cause affidavit obtained by The Smoking Gun. McCarthy left her Santa Fe residence, then came back and changed into lingerie. The outfit was accessorized by a silver handgun placed in her vagina, with which she began to have "inner course," [sic] according to the affidavit.

While cleaning the chamber, McCarthy reportedly posed the question, "Who is crazy, you or me?" before pulling out the gun and pointing it at her boyfriend's head, the Albuquerque Journal reported. The boyfriend told deputies he wrested the weapon away from her and put it first in the toilet, then the trash can.

McCarthy was charged with aggravated assault on a household member.

via Huffpost

Woman stabs boyfriend after he farts in her face during argument

A drunken Florida woman stabbed her boyfriend with an 8-inch blade after he farted in her face during an argument, police say.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, allegedly knifed her lover of six years — Willie Butler, 53 — as they watched television in their Immokalee apartment last week.

Burns told cops they were fighting about cash when Butler got up to go to the kitchen and broke wind on her head.

She confronted him and things turned ugly — with Butler allegedly throwing a knife at her, which missed.

Burns reportedly picked it up and threw it back and hit him in the stomach.

She ran outside, before returning to hit him with a stick on his left arm.

Cops arrived to find a bleeding Butler, who was so drunk he could not give a statement, standing in front of his mailbox.

Burns, who denies cutting Butler, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, reports 14News.

She remains in custody on a $50,000 bond.

Space aliens walk among us, says Canada's former Minister of Defense

The microchip. The LED light. The Kevlar vest.  You may be under the impression that these are all inventions coaxed into existence by humans, but you're wrong.  We didn't build that - someone else did. To be more precise, the "someone else" in this case is actually "something else," since all of those achievements were given to us  ...by aliens.  

According to Paul Hellyer, Canada's former Minister of Defense, extra-terrestrials have been visiting the Earth for thousands of years and they have a habit of bestowing technology upon their human inferiors.

Hellyer appeared this weekend as a guest on Russia Today's "SophieCo" show, where he dropped the bombshell that we are not alone.  In fact he claims there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 known species of alien, many of which look as human as you and I. According to his obviously well-placed sources, "There are about 80 different species and some of them look just like us and they could walk down the street and you wouldn’t know if you walked past one.”

Hellyer says that of the 80 varieties, only four can be found on Earth. In particular, three species are common visitors: the ubiquitous "Grays," the "Nordic whites" and the "tall blondes." They've all been paying regular visits to North America.  In fact, the whites and blondes are working with the United States Air Force in Nevada. Their females, it seems, like to dress as nuns and go shopping in Las Vegas. This, of course, makes perfect sense.

The aliens hail from a wide array of homeworlds. Some are as close as Venus and Mars, while others are as distant as the Pleiades and Zeta Reticuli star systems. They travel to Earth via ships or a portal which is hidden in the Andes.

The big question is: why are they coming? Hellyer has the answer. They're here to help, and to share knowledge.   ...But they're very wary of humanity. It seems we haven't embraced the proper levels of socialism, environmentalism, and pacifism.

According to Hellyer, the aliens have organized into something they call a "federation." They have a sort of "directive" which states that they can't involve themselves in the affairs of less developed worlds unless they're invited to do so. If that sounds familiar, it's essentially the premise of Star Trek, which is clearly propaganda designed to acclimate humanity to our otherworldly brothers.

So shape up, Earth. Stop being a bunch of savages. If you get your act together, the aliens will give you all sorts of cool stuff. You won't believe what the new iPads will be able to do.

Michigan Woman Finds Python in Secondhand Couch

We’ve heard of snakes on a plane, but now snakes in a couch?   Two months after a Michigan woman moved a secondhand couch she found on a curb into her bedroom, she said she discovered a giant snake had been lurking under the cushions.

“I picked this couch up off the street and it’s been in my bedroom for a couple months, and today we found a python inside the couch,”  Holly Wright said in a video obtained by ABC News’ Grand Rapids affiliate  WZZM-TV.

Wright even said she had cleaned the couch when she first took it home but never saw the reptile.

Wright said, to her surprise, her mystery roommate revealed itself over the weekend when it tried to slither out of the couch, possibly in search of food or warmth, she said.

With the couch flipped upside-down, a video taken by Wright and her boyfriend showed what appeared to be a lethargic snake stuck halfway between the cushion area and under the couch.

“It’s pretty big. We don’t know what kind of snake it is for sure,” Wright said after she prodded it with the hook from a plastic hanger.

She said the snake died before she could get help for it.

“Funny, my room almost feels a little empty now,” she told WZZM. “It’s been really sad actually to realize all this time I was in proximity to that animal (that) was probably suffering.”

Source: http://goo.gl/ODhYuy

 

 

There's a band that ONLY sings about beards!

 

The Beards formed in 2005, and are an Australian comedy, folk rock band. The group is known for sporting beards, and singing about the virtues of having a beard.

The band was first formed to play a show as a joke and be done with it - however their growing popularity and local cult following made them release their first album, "The Beards" in July of 2007.

As the band grew in popularity, in 2009 they travelled to Alaska to perform at the opening ceremony for a very prestigious event - the World Beard & Moustache Championships.

Some of The Beards songs include, "If your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard, You've Got Two Mums", "Got Me a Beard" and my personal favourite, "You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man". To date, the band has three albums, with the most recent coming out in March of 2012.

It just goes to show you - folk music doesn't have to be serious in order to be enjoyable!

Source: http://goo.gl/MG1yGZ

World’s hottest pepper is 300 times hotter than jalapeno

DECEMBER 28, 2013, 5:22 AM|South Carolina farmer Ed Currie holds the record for the world’s hottest pepper. Dubbed “Ed’s Carolina Reaper Pepper,” his peppers are 300 times hotter than a jalapeno and are in the Guinness Book of World Records. Currie joins “CBS This Morning: Saturday” to discuss his creation.

Duct Tape Comes in Handy During Trans-Pacific Flight

An airline passenger had to be duct taped to his seat after becoming insufferably overbearing to other passengers during a trans-Pacific flight. 

It happened on an Japan Skyway flight Thursday from Tokyo to New York.

According to witnesses, the unidentified man got up in front of the entire economy section area of the flight just after the captain of the flight had turned off the fasten seat belts sign and demanded everyone to pay attention as it was time for, “talking to all of you about signing up for Obamacare after we land."

The man then started “hitting all the canned OFA talking points,” according to airline spokesman Minoru Sato, who also said the passenger “just kept raising his voice as the boos got louder and louder from all the other passengers on the plane, but he just couldn't or wouldn't take the hint.”

“Finally to ensure a peaceful flight for those on board, he was restrained by passengers and crew and was monitored for his own safety for the duration of the flight,” he added.

Japan Skyway confirmed the incident adding that plastic ties and tape are standard on all flights. 

“This equipment is on board all our flights in case an incident like this arises,” Sato said and also added with a bit of pride in his voice, "we made sure he was put back in his assigned seat, because at Japan Skyway when we say if you liked your assigned seating plan, you can keep your assigned seating plan, we actually mean it." 

Tourist walks off Australia pier while checking Facebook

A Taiwanese tourist had to be rescued after accidentally walking off a pier in the Australian city of Melbourne while checking her Facebook page.

 

The woman tumbled from St Kilda's pier into Port Phillip Bay late on Monday night.

Police were alerted to the incident by a witness and rescued her in a speedboat after about 20 minutes.

The woman, who apologised, was taken to hospital for observation but police said she was fine.

Senior Constable Dean Kelly of the water police said officers found her floating metres from the pier.

"She was still out in the water laying on her back in a floating position because she told us later that she couldn't swim," the Australian Broadcasting Corporation quoted him as saying.

"She still had her mobile phone in her hand and initially she apologised... she said 'I was checking my Facebook page on the phone and I've fallen in'."

Constable Kelly called on people to pay more attention when using social media around water.

Man armed with sword demands free tacos from San Antonio restaurant

SAN ANTONIO -

Adam Kramer, 28, is accused of using a sword in an attempt to get free tacos from a southeast Bexar County Mexican restaurant.

A formal charge of aggravated robbery was filed against him Friday.

According to an arrest warrant affidavit, a waitress at the restaurant in the 500 block of S. Loop 1604 E. identified Kramer as the man who walked into the restaurant Monday and ordered six tacos and then refused to pay for them.

The waitress told Bexar County sheriff's detectives that when Kramer was told he'd had to pay, he began pulling a sword in and out of a six-inch sheath on his waist, the affidavit stated.

The waitress said at one point when the telephone rang, Kramer walked outside, so she quickly locked the doors, the affidavit stated.

The woman said she could hear him outside, yelling that if he didn't get his free tacos, "someone would die," the affidavit stated.

Kramer eventually got into his truck and drove off, but police arrested him the following day, the affidavit stated.