Today's Daily DumbAss

A Compendium of Everything Wrong In The World

Pastor Bans Women From Wearing Any Underwear in Church


Pastor Bans Women From Wearing Any Underwear in ChurchSEXPAND

A pastor in Kenya told women they cannot wear underwear in church anymore, because it prohibits them from feeling close to God.

Oh. OK.

According to a report in the Kenyan Post, Reverend Njohi said women who attend his services at the Lord's Propeller Redemption Church in Nairobi are forbidden from wearing bras and underwear. Njohi said when going to church, people need to be "free in body and spirit" so they can receive Christ.

However, men, it would seem, can reach God just fine and dandy with their underwear on in Njohi's church, because he hasn't requested them to do anything similar. See, ladies, it's only your fancy schmancy frilly undies that block the sweet, loving power of the Lord from saving your soul. Maybe the ladies could just switch and wear boxers or Hanes BVDs or something, tho?

This isn't an optional thing either, according to Metro:

The pastor added there would be grave consequences if his female members did not adhere to the new rule, which was reportedly adhered to as most women are said to have attended the next service with no underwear.

Njohi told mothers to check their daughters to make sure they don't have underwear on, so they can be close to Jesus. I'm not even comfortable writing this. Oh Jesus Christ, indeed.

I must have missed that part in Bible study, where Jesus talked about how all the ladies need to ditch their panties and bras in order to praise him. But then again, that Jesus guy was always going on and on about stuff. It's easy to see how I might have missed something.

Via Christian Nightmares; Image via Getty Images.

Horny Woman Calls 911 And Asks Officer For Sex


Maria Montanez-ColonA Florida woman called police and then came onto the responding officer, asking him for sex.

Maria Montanez-Colon, 58, was arrested for abusing the 911 system when she called police with a bogus story, and when an officer arrived she tried to have sex with him.

The woman told police that she gave her late husband’s convertible to his son while she was drunk, and that she wants the car back. When officer Justin Davoult of the Punta Gorda Police Department arrived at the house, Montanez-Colon allegedly fondled him.

She then asked the officer if he was married and allegedly proceeded to rub the officer’s chest. The woman then told Davoult that he was sexy and that she wanted to have sex with him because she didn’t have sex in years.

However the officer wanted no part of it and left. Montanez-Colon then called 911 again and asked for another officer.

When the dispatcher asked why she wanted another officer, she explained that the officer turned her down and that made her angry. Officers responded to Montanez-Colon’s home, but this time, they arrested her for misuse of 911.

She was and booked into the Charlotte County Jail. Officers said that Montanez-Colon was intoxicated at the time of the incident.

Dallas Police Have Six-Hour Standoff With an Empty Apartment


Dallas Police Have Six-Hour Standoff With an Empty Apartment1SEXPAND

Dallas police expecting to save a woman from a sexual assault were bewildered last week when they stormed an apartment after a six-hour SWAT team standoff, only to find the apartment had been empty the whole time.

Police were on the scene responding to a Dallas apartment complex where a bloodied and bruised woman had called 911 to say she had been sexually assaulted by a group of men.

"She was severely beaten up," a neighbor told WFAA 8. "Her eye was black and her nose was broke. I was trying to do the nice thing and let her know there's a hospital over here, but she was too terrified and scared."

The neighbor found a phone for the woman, who told cops that the suspects had barricaded themselves inside the apartment.

During the nearly six-hour standoff, Dallas police urged the empty apartment to "do the right thing" and surrender.

Woman shoots at a McDonald’s over missing bacon

A Michigan woman shot at a McDonald’s after employees got her order wrong Monday morning.

Shaneka Monique Torres, 29, went through a Grand Rapids McDonald’s drive-thru on Sunday and was comped a free meal after workers forgot to put bacon on her sandwich. She went through the drive-thru a second time to redeem her voucher Monday morning around 3 o’clock and after her sandwich was bacon-free for the second time, she fired at the building Wood TV reports.

Screen shot 2014-02-11 at 2.05.24 AM

Torres shot at a McDonald’s after employees got her order wrong.

Torres was in the passenger seat and leaned over the driver, firing one round through the closed car window and restaurant window. No one was harmed.

Torres and her friends fled the scene, but police quickly located her after discovering she left her phone number with a man at the drive-thru window.

She was arrested her at her home and charged with carrying a concealed weapon, discharge of a firearm in or at a building and felony firearms.

Don’t have sex in a garage with the car running


“Take my breath away.” It may have been the love theme song to Top Gun, but it was never supposed to be an instruction.

Keith Payton, and Salina Johnson, both 40 years old, wanted to get away from the world for a bit of personal time. The couple snuck off to a garage owned by Payton’s brother. They parked their car in the enclosed garage and, because it was cold, left the engine running and even used a kerosene heater for extra warmth.

It was a fatal mistake.

The natives of Allenwood and Williamsport Pennsylvania were discovered after an individual was sent by Payton’s brother to try and locate him. Payton had been running an errand for his brother on Thursday but their bodies were not discovered until Sunday around 9:30 p.m.

Police say that both the car and the heater had run out of fuel, Marijuana and drug paraphernalia were found at the scene and that Johnson was partially clothed. Speaking to, County Coroner Charles E. Kiessling Jr. confirmed that while they were confirmed dead at 10:45 p.m., they had died sometime earlier from carbon monoxide poisoning.


Cops: N.J. Man Wrecks Car in Naked Pa. Crash

A Pennsauken man who was found naked and apparently masturbating after a single-car crash in Philadelphia’s Fairhill section Monday was charged with driving under the influence, Philadelphia Police said.

Vincent Wade, 34, was headed down Lehigh in a Toyota Camry when he smashed into the Crown Fried Chicken at 5th and Lehigh avenues around 10:30 a.m., police said, then yanked off his clothes and started yelling—and, as shown in a video first published by Philadelphia Magazine, began pleasuring himself in the street.

Wade was unable to stand on his own when officers arrived, and he was incoherent, police said.

No one was hurt in the crash, police said, and there were no other charges announced.


North Korea confirms it has landed a man on the Sun

North Korea sends a 17-year-old man to the Sun, a journey that took just four hours

This just in: North Korea has landed a man on the Sun. 17-year-old Hung Il Gong started his journey at 3am this morning, travelling alone, to reach our nearest star, a journey that took him just 4 hours.






A North Korean central news anchorman said during a live broadcast: "We are very delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the sun. North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the sun. Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero's welcome when he returns home later this evening".


Hung is expected back on Earth in just a few hours time, where he will be greeted by his uncle, and supreme leader: Kim Jong-un. Hung traveled in the cover of darkness, as it would protect him from the harsh, and extreme temperatures of the Sun. Hung will also be bringing back some sun spot samples for his uncle, which I'm sure he will show off to the world in a short amount of time.


The North Korean central news agency is calling the 18-hour mission the "greatest human achievement of our time" - and so they should, landing a man on the Sun, a trip that took 18 hours return, is quite the achievement, all things considered. I wonder if Dennis Rodman considered this a slam dunk for the country.

Drunken Bieber Cursed Out Miami Police Officers

Cops: Singer, 19, reeked of booze and failed field sobriety tests

JANUARY 23--Singer Justin Bieber--belligerent and apparently stoned on a mixture of beer, pot, and prescription drugs--cursed out a cop who had stopped his Lamborghini, demanding, “Why the fuck are you doing this?” and “What the fuck did I do. Why did you stop me?” according to a police arrest report.

The 19-year-old performer reeked of booze, had bloodshot eyes, and appeared in a stupor, a Miami Beach Police Department officer reported.

When the cop sought to conduct a pat down of Bieber, the entertainer stated, “I ain’t got no fucking weapons, why do you have to search me? What the fuck is this about?”

After Bieber repeatedly ignored a patrolman’s direction to keep his hands on the vehicle, the cop grabbed the singer’s right arm and told him he was under arrest. This prompted the  5’ 9”, 140-pound Bieber to declare, “What the fuck are you doing?”as he sought to pull away from the officer.

After being stuffed into a patrol car, Bieber was transported to the Miami Beach Police Department. En route, he asked a cop why he had been arrested, and was told that investigators believed he was impaired. Bieber countered that he was not drunk “and that he he was coming back from recording music at a studio.”

At the police station, Bieber failed a series of field sobriety tests. He also agreed to take a Breathalyzer test and submit to a “drug evaluation” (the results of which are not detailed in the police report).

Bieber is seen in the Lamborghini in an Instagram photo  posted yesterday by the rapper Khalil Sharief, who was reportedly drag racing with Bieber early this morning. The 19-year-old Sharief, driving a red Ferrari, was also arrested on a DUI count. 


Justin Bieber detained as deputies search his home in egging case

Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor's home.

Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber's home, including the singer.

"They are being cooperative," Whitmore said. "We will seek to question Mr. Bieber in connection with a felony investigation."

Whitmore said no arrests had been made. It is common practice to temporarily detain people while a search warrant is being served. 

The egging incident marks the latest clash between the pop star and his neighbors, who have accused him of throwing loud parties and speeding through the neighborhood.

The neighbor called authorities last week, saying someone was pelting his home with eggs, said sheriff's Sgt. Dan Nagelmann of the Malibu/Lost Hills station.

The neighbor was home with his daughter at the time, Nagelmann said, adding that deputies who went to the scene found no one outside.

Whitmore said the egging incident was determined to be a felony because several thousands of dollars worth of damage occurred.  

Bieber has been at the center of a number of controversies that have caused friction with his neighbors in the wealthy, gated community where he lives.

In a grainy video posted on TMZ that purportedly documents the incident, a man standing in the doorway of a home exchanges expletives with a voice outside before telling someone in the house to call authorities.

“I got another one for you, actually,” the person outside yells back in the video, before apparently hitting the house with more eggs.

Sheriff’s deputies said video footage and photos had been submitted as evidence.

Nagelmann said the neighbor told deputies he had seen Bieber throwing the eggs. The offense in the initial police report is listed as misdemeanor vandalism, according to the Sheriff’s Department.

Authorities said it was unknown what prompted the egging.




Pastor Tries to Walk on Water Like Jesus, Then Drowns in Front of His Congregation

Walking on water is not easy.  Not too many people have the ability.  Let’s see, there’s Jesus, and well, that’s about it.  Unfortunately for one pastor on the West Coast of Africa, his attempt to become the second man to make this impossible feat a reality cost him his life.

Pastor Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation that he was capable of reenacting the very miracles of Jesus Christ.  He decided to make it clear through way of demonstration on Gabon’s beach in the capital city of Libreville.

Referencing Matthew 14:22-33, Kabele said that he received a revelation which told him that with enough faith he could achieve what Jesus was able to.

According to an eyewitness, Kabele took his congregation out to the beach.  He told them that he would cross the Kombo estuary by foot, which is normally a 20 minute boat ride.

Sadly by the second step into the water Kabele found himself completely submerged.  He never returned.

This is not the first incident of this nature in Africa.  At Ibadon zoo in south-west Nigeria, a self-proclaimed Prophet claimed to be able to do what the Daniel of the bible did by walking into a den full of lions.

Though he was warned numerous times by zoo keepers, according to NG Newspapers, the Prophet thought of them as nothing more than enemies of progress.  The Prophet, with a crowd of people watching, put on a long red robe and proceeded to enter the cage full of lions.

Within seconds of opening the door, the lions ripped the Prophet from flesh to bone.  The bible should come with a warning label, “Don’t try this at home.”

via AllChristianNews